Seven Days

If you ask for my number I am under the impression that you are interested in talking to me, so I give it up. We may talk for few days, even meet up and go on a few dates, but I have an expiration date on your number being in my phone. I give you seven days from the last day of contact and then you get the boot. Why should you take up space in my phone when you have easily dismissed me? Seven whole days is a long time for you to get your mind together or for you go sow your oats (messing with every other brotha that happens to be in your phone). Why should I be left to wait when you made the decision to not tell me where things were going or how you were no longer interested? Its cool though, just don't get caught in your feelings when you come a ringing some time later and I treat you like a stranger.

'Seven whole days....I can't take it...I'd rather be on my own.' Toni Braxton

All 4 U

In reference to my last post, I will attempt to clear somethings up:

• Me and X had an intimate oral session over the summer.
  
• The pretense that I assumed (shame on me) was that maybe we could work things out this time around and maybe a relationship could spring from it.
  
• I feel mostly slighted because X got a boo but still tryna get the goods...WHERE THEY DO THAT AT??
  

Silly Rabbit, Trix Are For Kids

Oh boy, if only I would take the advice given through the advertisement. I almost set myself up this time, but glad that things didn't work out the way that me and another party planned. If they had, I may have been coming here on a different tone. I'll try to make this synopsis as quick as possible:

Me and X messed around over the summer and it was good. Communication went hay wire and things didn't go through as I had originally hoped (my ego was a little bruised). X goes back to school, we try to keep in contact. One night says he wants to recapture what we had in the summer. I play into it and say we should talk and it comes out that he doesn't know and can't really articulate because he's in mixed company. I consider the ball dropped. He hits me up this weekend, while I'm drinking at the bar (big no no for me, accursed drunk texting). It turns me on and I want to go through with it. I plan for Monday but he's busy, thus the ball is dropped.

And the plot thickens; now X has been going on for some weeks about a twitter crush, even going so far as to refer to that party as babe (of course I have nothing wrong with that). I thought things had cooled down, but I see today that X and the new one are getting it in. I absolutely have no problem with him starting something, I actually wish him well. I do have a problem with the exchange of words that lull me under the pretense that something good could possibly come from it. Tried to play me for the fool, but circumstances prevented me from actually being ensnared by your tricks mister. And its cool, I won't hold a grudge...I'll be a gentleman and play that ass to the left the next time you come at me that way.

'Ha ha who who, thought you'd get the money too, greedy muthafucka try to have his cake and eat it too' -Janet Jackson

Yea, umm about that

I know I was supposed to be putting myself off of sex until 2010, but temptation got the best of me. AND BOY WAS IT GOOD!!! I really could have lost myself in the moment, giving up the penultimate treasure of penetration but my rationale was working hard to prevent me. I wanted to so badly, but I am equally glad that I didn't because once the climax was reached, I was able to see clearly. This was nothing but a jump off type thing and I respect myself too much to lose my 'virginity' to a nameless spectre.

I had some sort of vision while 'gettin it in'. It took me back to Yu-Yu Hakusho and the Chapter Black Saga. The main antagonist, Sensui, was later revealed to have 7 different personalities that had different archetypes. I forgot all the details for their creation (note to self: re-visit The Chapter Black Saga), and its not really necessary for the point I am about to present: What if each one of us carried 7 personalities inside, each embodying a different type of deadly sin (Greed, Lust, Sloth, Gluttony, Envy, Pride, Wrath). You have to agree that situations arise where using one of these forces would prove to be very beneficial to us. And it doesn't have to be the most extreme form of the sin, just enough of it that takes us out of our equilibrium and aligns us with one them. I would think that yesterday's occurrence definitely put me in line with Lust. I could have given in and let it possess me, fulfilling latent desires and partaking in carnal pleasure. It would have been a very fond memory for me, but I am glad I held to myself.

If nothing else, this entry could definitely be used as the plot point for a wicked storyline. (something to ponder)

Music Tuesday

Alright, its been a while since I've done this, but these two song have been in my head all weekend.

The first is Ms. Alicia Keys with 'Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart' I heard this song some weeks ago and some of my friends clowned the video as a rip from Heroes. I didn't like it then but it has definitely grown on me. I GOTTA cop that new LP before this week is over.




The second is from Kings of Leon with 'Notion'. I love Anthony Followill's voice!! This is another album I have to pick up quick!

Looking back

I had trouble spelling when I was growing up. When I tried to write girl, I would get gril or solider for soldier. I remember I misspelled birthday on someone's drawing. They laughed and it really hurt my feelings so I started to read and memorize the words that were difficult for me to spell. And now I see why I am so big on proper spelling.

'Its all in what you do'

I really love topics that me and Mel discuss. They start at point A but could easily go through the entire alphabet twice if we allowed (always going off on tangents we go). The subject of being of your actions and not of your words came up in one of our recent conversations. At this point in our lives, we are both not impressed with the pickings of men that we have begun to entertain. Everyone is familiar with associates talking big game and not backing it up, but our problem comes from mixed messages. Your words say that you are interested but your actions paint a different picture. I don't want a box of chocolates or bouquet of flowers, just a little action on your part to tell me that you are interested. I am very adept at reading messages so much so that I my subconscious thoughts and actions are fueled by the messages I receive. So if you want me to stay around just act like it, because I am through with waiting to hear words.

I'm Still Around

Oh boy, I really have been neglecting my precious blog, my bad. I had planned for some good posts, but the thoughts come to me at the most random moments and by the time I get to a computer I have forgotten the subject. So I'm just going to type what I've been feeling the past couple of weeks.

One of my twitter buddies put me on this 30 days of abstinence. I took it up because I felt that it would give me a clear mind, especially after leaving those sites behind. I can't tell you what it has done exactly, but I have been able to think with more clarity. I feel the creative juices flowing without any obstructions. Self-confidence is on another level, I feel sure of myself and comfortable in my skin. I have made the challenge now to go into the New Year without any sexual contact (doesn't mean I don't touch myself though, lol). With side effects like that, I'd be a fool to desert this journey.

I think my manager at my second job hits on me. I don't take offense because I am interested in playing this game out. The job reminds me why I wanted to get out of retail but it also gives me the opportunity to be around what I love, MEDIA (movies, music and video games). The pay sucks, but I do my job well and rack up on hours (maybe that's an effect of flirting with the boss, lol).

I am SO thankful for the friends I have in my life. They got my back and we can talk about anything (and I don't have to worry about it being used against me). The word gets thrown around a lot but I have really come to hold my friends in such esteem that I will refer to all others as associates. When asked, 'Why don't you call them friends?' I will give them same answer.

I am trying to get my head in on the photoshop business. The current banner is my latest work, featuring my brother. Took my 3 hrs and a very informative YouTube tutorial. I tell myself that I will update it weekly, but we shall see how that goes.

All right, I think I'm tapped out for now.

A few of my favorite things

In the spirits of Christmas I am compiling a list of the items most wanted.

#1-Nikon SB-600 Speedlight $220
With this baby I will no longer be limited to outdoor and daylight shots. It truly is the most wanted item because it is interrelated to my passion for photography. CAN'T NOBODY TELL ME NOTHING if I get this!!!





#1.5 Nikon 55-200mm Lens $250
I have been wanting this bad boy since I got my Nikon D40. It will make some of my shots a lot easier to capture, namely the ones from a distance.





#2 DJ Hero $120 or $180
I have always wanted to try my hand at the turntables and this is finally my affordable chance! I haven't been sold enough to spend an extra 60 bucks for the Renegade Edition.




#3 PS3 Slim $299
I know that it doesn't have backwards compatibility but I am tired of being left out, time to invest in a quality game system. (no shade 360, daddy loves ya!)

Culinary Artist

My mom wasn't a big cook when I was growing up. We usually opted for something that was easy like fish sticks or chicken nuggets. Feasts like smoked turkey, mashed potatoes and collard greens were only obtainable when I went elsewhere for dinner, namely grandparent's house. But Big D has surprised me in my later years. She even cooked the entire Thanksgiving dinner in 07, I was really surprised. But as of late I have felt the need and passion to start cooking on my own. I have been told and found that buying groceries and cooking for yourself saves money and is really rewarding. It kind of feels like I am back in Biochemistry class, measuring out certain ingredients as not to mess up the mixture. Some of my recent past meals have included grilled chicken breasts, backed chicken breasts (I gotta thing for white meat), and tonight I tried my hand at tilapia. The meal actually came out well. I served some Mexican staples, black beans and white rice. It doesn't mean a lot to you, but its a pretty big accomplishment for me. :D

Time for a break....

So in the past couple of weeks I have entertained a few men in my life but I arrive at the same conclusion about the situations I have placed myself. I always feel cramped and annoyed by them and their actions. The constant calling, texting, messaging, it becomes overbearing for me. I do not believe that we should be communicating every hour on the hour if we are just getting to know each other. I am perfectly fine with a late night check in, and if the situation calls for it, tell me when something exciting happens. But you will not hit me up before 9 am saying that I was on your mind. I usually don't even operate before 10 so you are really committing a sin against my personality by thinking you are so important to hit me up at that time.

I am tired of running into the same old dudes. The characters change but the stories stay the same. Everyone is just looking for something to get off to, something that satisfies them for the moment and nothing more. I desire more and deserve more.


I am have become annoyed with myself. I am on these sites that attract this caliber of man, the type that I thought could be molded but I am always reminded and that people are who they are, I can not change them, nor can they change me. The Lord has made a move on my spirit, and I need to take heed, its time for me to get off the sites and focus on being a better me. I have things to focus on, being held by another should not be one of them. Time to adopt a business mindset, if its not about my financial, spiritual, or artistic future, then it does not concern me!

The season is rapidly approaching

So Christmas is not too far off and the buzz has already been given to the public. People are playing the holiday music and compiling lists. I don't know how Christmas will go over for me this year, but I do now that I plan to make money off of the commercialization of a religious holiday. I picked up a second job in a mall that is a little ways out from my house. I think I'm going to like it, but I am a little upset at the meager wage. I am really going to sacrifice a lot to make this thing work, but I don't plan on dropping the ball. There are things that I want and more importantly, there are things that require my monetary contributions.

Err, Music Thursday??

So I am a bit late but here are my pics for this week.




I'll let the video speak for itself, I just LOVE GAGA!!!!



I heard this one at my new job and was like damn, why didn't I keep up with the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs?

Gender Identity Pt. 1

In growing into a man that I am proud to be, I have come across the issue of gender identity a number of times. As a child I was told that things were the way they were because that's just the way we operated. The answer was always given to me in a caustic manner that made me fear to delve deeper to interrogate the images in front of me. I was told that girls play with dolls and boys play sports or just don't; but there was a desire to know more. The inquisitive nature of a child will continue to ask why until they are satisfied or, in my case, they are shunned/shamed into acquiescence. I played that role for years until I was tired of not finding the truth, a battle that I am still fighting with at times. Its hard to define what is truth is when conventional constructs are thrown in your face everyday and are 'cemented' with religious doctrines. But I am gaining ground and will speak out on things that I find offensive to the comprehensive construction of gender.

Music Tuesday

I dedicated my Music Monday to Prince on Twitter and I would be a fool not to feature him on here! I wanted to post his music videos/links to his music, but I will respect his rights as an artist and not having it easily accessible. He fought against Warner for the rights to his music during most of the 90's and I wouldn't be a fan if I went against his hard work to retain his rights (which all artists should have).

'I Feel For You' was written, performed and released on Prince's self-titled album in 1979. It was then popularized by Chaka Khan in 1984. I personally prefer Prince's version, but check it out and let me know how you feel.

'Call My Name' was released on the 'Musicology' album in 2004. I remember one of my good high school buddies tried to put me on as we were going into our finals days of class but I never really grasped it until I had graduated. The lyrics are romantic and they whisked me into a world where that kind of love was possible. And the song plays perfectly into his return to the world as Prince and not The Artist Formally Known as Prince. Its humorous when you look at it like that, a return to the music world with the a song telling you call his name.

Halloween

I decided to participate in the costuming of the season and to be a bit daring by using make up. It was a fun experience, but I know I won't be messing with make-up for a while. Here are some pics from my Halloween!

I was The Joker!


The demented look really worked for me, eh?


I was so happy I ran into Lady Gaga!!

7 updates

1.) I will not be attending HU Homecoming this year. I feel the need to make money far outweighs this monumental social event.

2.) The legal problems that I encountered 2 weeks ago have been put on the back burner which opens the gates for something else in the working....

3.) I have decided to grow my hair out a bit. I haven't put a style to it yet, but I'll cut it off when I grow tired of it.

4.) I am starting to see the benefits of my exercise, my thighs are looking RIGHT!

5.) There are 17 weeks left until the marathon and I am getting scared. (1 in Norfolk, 1 in Baltimore and 3 in Detroit dead)

6.) I beat Batman Arkham Asylum and was pleased with the length, now to go back and solve those blasted puzzles left behind by The Riddler.

7.) I m considering really dieting for this marathon, like no chicken again. Well at least no fried chicken, so I gotta be sure stack it to the sky this weekend!!

Why I run...

I don't think I've ever given a real reason for me running. For a while I was just saying its about will power and that much is true. During my run today I realized that this run is strengthening my will power for the arduous road ahead. So many times I want to give up and walk back home or to the beginning of the run. It would feel so nice to just give it up and just chill in the house. But I made the commitment and I will see it through. This is the attitude that I have to adopt in other areas of my life as well. The run will hurt and wear me out, but by putting my mind to it, I will be able to complete it. Just as the path before me will wear me out, I will focus on my goals (getting back in school, moving out, paying off debt, etc.) to achieve the goals I have set for myself.

'I can do all things possible through Christ who strengthens me.'
Philippians 4:13

Music Tuesday

I heard Whitney Houston's 'Million Dollar Bill' on Saturday night at the HIV/AIDS rally as part of the activities for the National Equality March. It was part of the routine for a local group of drag queens. It instantly made me think of some of the music out of the 60 and 70's, namely Diana Ross; just listen to that funky bassline. OOOHHHH WEEEEEEE!!!



Madonna's 'Celebration' was released as a single from her latest collection of greatest hits (make sure you cop that if you're a fan). She did two videos for it, but I found this one to be the best! Madonna is really serving it up in this and it is edited perfectly to match the new mix of the song. My fave part is around 0:53-1:02. GO MADGE!!!

The National Mall Pictures

From Sunday's expedition, Enjoy!!!

This should have been posted sometime ago...

Through my posts, one can infer that I am gay (yay!). And from the same texts one can gather that I do not wear my sexuality on my sleeve. But it is an internal struggle that I have been going back and forth with for some time. Who do I tell, how do I act/react, when do I get defensive, how much do I let on, how 'gay' do I allow my actions to show, etc. Its just so much at times that I truly don't give a fuck about it. With the world changing so much now and a call to action that has been blaring for a couple of years, I feel its my right to champion injustice. Part of this comes from being the antithesis of the basic misconceptions about gay men. Through this, people will see that despite our preferences/orientation we share a lot in common.

Staying in the darkness

Sometimes twitter cant accurately express how I'm feeling. 140 characters is such a restriction when there is a storm brewing in your psyche. But I'll some here to express myself because there is no limit to how much I can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on... Today I woke up with a gut feeling that I just wanted to be left alone to wallow in my circumstance. I know that proactively handling the situation is the best thing to do, but damn it can I have a moment to just think things over? Truth is I believe we are all entitled to have our dark days. Days spent in seclusion and reflection that may push us to be short with others. Some call it selfish, others say its bitchy, but I think it is necessary. Why do I have to smile everyday? Ain't shit to smile about when the chips are stacked against you. The only thing I can smile about is how I'm going to be happy when things are over, and this point I don't know when that will be so I may not be smiling for a while.

Music Tuesday

Wow, came across this group on my Facebook minifeed and they have most certainly won me over for these two covers!!






I wonder if they have an album up somewhere or just some mp3s to add to my iPod.

Just gotta do for you!

Sometimes I get so tied up in trying to do things and visit places with others that I forget how relaxing it is to do somethings solo. The weather was so wonderful in DC yesterday, it was a day that I couldn't afford to sit in the house. I picked up my D40 and trekked to the National Mall on the metro (let's just say I was being environmentally friendly). iPod in hand, I walked a bit and then decided to rent a bike. It was so much fun; I felt so free and it was really inexpensive ($15 for 2 hrs) . There is definitely a rush experienced when you ride through Georgetown in the street on a bike. I can't wait to do it again. On my voyage I finally visited the Lincoln Memorial (its a shame it took me 23 yrs of being a DMV resident) and got to travel across the Key Bridge. On my next voyage I will be sure to visit the Iwo Jima Memorial.

And again...

I am brought to the same conclusion about these damn dating sites; they lack the dimensionality needed to gauge a person's characterThey really aren't for dating as much as they are for sex. In my past they served me well by building my sexual senses (boy oh boy the stories I could tell), but now they are just a pathetic way for me to waste my time.I have grown to truly own my sexuality and in doing so I am not inclined to throw/give it away so easily. What are my aspirations, what are my dreams, where am I from? Fuck, what's my full name?? How do you expect to get to the sexual side without knowing these things? Why would you want to have sex and NOT know these things? It really pains me to see so many attractive young men throwing it away so easily. Not to mention how rampant certain things are in this area...*psigh* So again, I will cast out this part of my life and hope that I will be able to stay away because the man I want to meet will have developed beyond the need for those sites.

Fuck My Life

So thanks to my few viewings of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim Zolciak's 'Tardy for the Party' has become a guilty pleasure of mine. And through this viral upload, it may become one for you too.




To tie it in, the next song is from 'Tardy for the Party's producer, Kandi Burruss, 'Don't Think I'm Not'

I shall not deal with this foolishness

In the joy of finally having a working cell phone, I am apt to give my number out prematurely. Such was the case Sunday evening, when I was attracted to a profile online. I gave him my number and we exchanged texts, getting to know each other just a little more. In our conversation I state my intentions of just getting to know someone as a friend and that I am in no rush to start talking or dating anyone, especially someone I met online. He calls in the middle of our texting session and I see that he carries an effeminate tone (its not a bad thing, just not what I am attracted to). The phone convo is dead because he called while I was decompressing from a stressful day. Thankfully one of my friends call so I can get off the phone with him. Thirty minutes later he texts me saying that he doesn't think I am interested in him. I carefully reiterate that I am just looking for friends, but even that level has its pre-requisites.

So he calls twice earlier this evening while I am discussing some business with one of my closest friends. Naturally I ignore the call. He calls again while I am on the phone with my best friend (I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks) and I click the line to tell him I'll call back. I don't (and that's my fault) and I get mad that he is so persistent. I resolve to tell the truth (for the truth shall set you free) the next time we correspond. So here is how it went down (NOTE: text has been kept true to preserve integrity)

'Why do you keep saying u'll get back. If ur not interusted let me know'


'I am not interested'


'Its not that serious now dnt get cocky now i wantd to be ur friend ur to heavy for me and alittle dorky'


'Alright dude. Take it easy'


'u to and on u take it easy on the food peace'

I wanted to really flex my intellectual muscle and go off on him, but I figured it would only create more senseless strife.

'The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated: In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.'
Law 34 Be royal in your own fashion: Act like a king to be treated like one

Music Tuesday

This week is dedicated to Jay-Z, Blueprint 3 dropped last week and it seems that everyone has copped it. Well except for me, but I did hear these two songs and instantly loved them.

The first is 'Empire State of Mind' ft Alicia Keys. I first heard this on the VMAs and loved it. Alicia Keys really goes IN on this record and she looked good at the performance.



The second is 'Venus vs. Mars'. I know its not a love song, but I think its as close to a love song that we are going to get form Jay-Z. This song strangely gets me aroused...

Conscious/Cognizant Media

Ever since taking a class about race, gender, and media I have been using the conscious/cognizant media avatar. I learned a lot about the role media plays and about how many devices are used to make people think a certain way. It opened my eyes to the really dark side of my major and passion; I have forever since been changed. I feel that I am on another plane of consciousness because I am not as susceptible to the many ills and I am willing to digger deeper than the surface story. I almost always give a negotiated reading of the major stories, especially in pop culture stories. It upsets me to see how many people simply take what is given, make their own nonsense and distribute it like truth. A senseless cycle that forcibly excludes the more pressing stories. Playing into the hegemonic machine that powers the fabric of oppression, we are continually led into an abyss of misinformation. This leads to a dangerous way of socialization, accepting falsehoods as truths and passing them onto the next generation. It is my belief that this socialization only furthers the divide between the haves and the have nots. And I also believe that one of the most effective ways of countering this is to make people aware of the things that they can not see. Shed light on stories that have not been heard which is, in a sense, shedding a different light on things that are already known. It is the responsibility of those equipped with the knowledge to have agency and spread the information through whatever means.

Overhaul

I saw some pics of myself from over the weekend and I was not pleased at all!!! My stomach was totally out of order and my shirt was fitted, I looked a damn fool. So its time for me to really do some evaluating and lay the framework for really losing some weight. I did it when I gave up chicken and beef for lent so I know it can be done. Just have to find the right balance for food and find the perfect routine for me. I may have to look into a personal trainer for a month and go from there.

Applesauce

I was eating a cup of mango peach applesauce and a number of random thoughts popped in my head, too many to tweet, lol.

• Why do we have flavored applesauce, shouldn't those fruits have their own sauces?
• Why is it called applesauce anyway? A sauce sounds like a condiment to me and I can't remember putting applesauce on my chicken or the last time that I ate ketchup in a bowl. Is it even the right consistency to be called a sauce?
  
• Why is it so good when a pinch of cinnamon is added?
• Who likes plain applesauce?
• But really, why are there flavored applesauces, they are cramping applesauce's style.
  

Ugh

Ever so often I am forced to look at how hollow my life is and I begin to long for some type of romantic involvement. The driving force of this search is in hopes of breaking the routine I have fallen in, to provide an escape from the growing feeling of being incomplete. I know that all the romance gurus and mantras say that you shouldn't look for someone to complete you, but I feel like something is missing. And if something is placed there, say a relationship, my life would in fact be 'complete'. I hate this feeling because it is the antithesis of my longing to be independent and devoid of relying on others for support. I hope this feeling wanes soon, I don't think I can handle too much more of this.

Follow Me

I've had a twitter account for some time now, so definitely follow me on there http://www.twitter.com/conscious_media

Music Tuesday

I've been thinking of ways to spice up my blog and came up with the idea of doing some weekly updates. So following in the tradition of the entertainment industry, I will be presenting music on Tuesdays. To kick things off, I'm bringing some eclectic music. I heard both of these while working at the new job, I hope you like!!


If you like her, cop the lp on iTunes for $4.99.


This song makes me think of 80s Prince!!

At the Club

My friends had been talking about hitting a club/bar on Sunday and invited me to come. I'm usually not down for it, but I felt that this weekend was a treat myself out weekend (since I did just buy a phone, FINALLY!). I made enough money at work during the day to party with the fellas and partied we did. I haven't had a time out like that in a LONG time. We jumped from one spot cuz it was whack and headed to the premier spot on Sundays, Eyebar. It was packed when we got there and there was a $10 cover. I had to get a few drinks in my system and then I was on a roll. I found my spot on the wall and WENT IN!!!! A couple of dudes commented on my energy, they said I was really into it and my response was along the lines of, 'I don't go out too often and I have to party when I can.' It was just a fun night that I want to recapture in the future.

Oh yea, I had a couple of loose thoughts roaming my head while I was out:

• Why pay to stand on the wall?
• Some people are a hot mess while others are a hot tranny mess
• My tolerance with Jack is getting high, I'm gonna have to step up to that Jim.
  
• My eyesight is not improving.
  
• Beyonce makes the queen come out!
• I need to stretch and do more thigh exercises, my thighs were semi on fire.
  
• I need to train with Mels to work out the kinks in my wine.
  

Bring Toni Back!!

This is one of my favorite Toni Braxton videos.




I like this next video for so many reasons. She went back to the short hair, the composition is FIRE and she shows that she can dance a lil bit. Make sure you peep the black suit she wears near the end!

If I were a rich boy...

With training underway for the new job, I have to plan out how I am going to distribute my funds. As much as I wanna go out and spend on myself, I understand that I have debt and priorities to take care of. First and foremost will be repaying the personal loan that I took from a friend's dad, he gets dibs on the first $150. Mom gets the next $100 for rent and then I'll take care of my priorities. I figure since I will be Sprint for two years, I need to invest in a top of the line phone. I have my eyes set on the newest blackberry which comes with a $300 price tag. They better not come asking for first month's payment! The next set of money will be going to the car, she is OVERDUE for an oil change and some more stuff (the freakin speedometer is broken). Then onto my pleasure, getting that tripod and flash/speedlight for my precious Nikon *drools*. With those two I'll fell more compelled to take indoor and night shots.

I know all of this seems like a lot, but I plan to be grinding hard at work all September (only taking one weekend off). Let's go for having a phone by the second week of September!

One of some more...

Still so far to go...

I consider myself a pleasant easy going person and I am usually not thrown off my equilibrium too easily. There are things that do get under my skin and strike the activist chord in my spirit. This is the story of one such time. A couple of days ago I was running through twitter and came across this twitpic posted by comedian Kevin Hart.
I wouldn't call this picture exactly tasteful but Hart takes it and thrusts into a scrutiny with his caption, 'This is why I'm getting the fuck out of la! Look at this bill board.' Put on the display by his celebrity, the ad and the alternative lifestyle is under fire. People looking to co-sign and sometimes draw malice towards homosexual individuals are ignited by this type of display. I have yet to see slanderous ads attacking the traditional American life that is force upon us but things outside the finite mold are constantly under fire. Opening our eyes we will see that as far as we have come in accepting family structures, we still have so much further to go.

Marathon Update

So this week I finally hit the 3 mile mark!!! I completed it in 30:25 and I couldn't be happier. I am currently looking for local 5K's to participate in and I have hopes to compete in Army 10 mile in fall. I'm going to really have to step it up though. My mom is lighting fire under my ass because she made the comment, 'he could go faster than me, but I know I can go further.' So to that challenge I must accept. Once the money starts coming in from working I will be able to curtail my diet and lose some weight!!

Over the weekend

This weekend started out really great. I went down to Richmond, VA with one of my friends to meet up with my old roomie to see Chrisette Michele. She was AWESOME!!!!! I wish I could shadow her for a week because she seems like a really funny and entertaining person. After the concert we checked out 'the scene' with one of my friends from school. It was really blah, but we had our drinks and made our own entertainment, like always. It would seem that Richmond is a little slower on trends because we kept getting dirty looks for our fitted clothes. Came back home that night because my friend had to be back in Baltimore for his running club by 6:30. (Yea, so I drove over 100 miles while slightly buzzed...) I get home, sent a tweet to say I'm safe and then I hit the sheets. Unfortunately that would be the last time I got to use the internet for the weekend.

I woke up and tried to log on but found that even the cable was out. The storm from the night before blew something out of our Verizon box and they weren't gonna be able to fix it until Monday. I nearly cracked. In the house, all weekend, no money, no gas, no cable, no internet. I spent the first couple of hours playing with some photoshop. Then I decided to get further acquainted with the Botwin and Suarez families. Weeds and Ugly Betty definitely kept my company this lonely weekend and I absolutely fell in love with the characters; Nancy Botwin's questionable morals and comfort with her situations; Betty Suarez's loyalty to her family and friends; Celia Hodes' overall character (she is a funny bitch!); and many many more. For that I love them!!

A setback is a setup for a comback

It took the passing of a friend for me to realize that the battle that I have been in is not alone. During one of the musical selections, the singer proclaimed, '...you can't do it alone, you need help'. Emotions broke my levees as the words resonated and manifested into solace for my problems. A path was made for me to follow and I shall do that. I received a job offer the next day, I am in line to get a phone REAL soon (blackberry!!), and I was put onto another opportunity to make money that has me thinking I could really get this degree by next year. GOD IS GOOD!!

Feeling Good

Back when I entered the world of my sexual desires I found myself releasing and finding release all over the place. 2006 was a bad year for me, but a good year for my sexual side. Looking back on it, I could have had a side gig from that (jk). But as I have grown and been tested through the fire, I am more apt to keep that cherished side of myself to myself. My rationale says why should I give up so much of myself (ESPECIALLY given my position on the field) to someone that knows nothing about me. Name, interests, friends, pet peeves, etc. could easily come from one of the social networks I'm on, but I'm waiting on someone to find the essence of Lawrence. I want to be able to build something that will make me want to give myself willingly and without reservation. The trysts that I engage in ever so often are getting fewer and I find myself more removed from each experience. In time I hope that I will be able to live without the little cliffs to get off.

In my selectivity I have found empowerment and motivation to stay my course, so I am feeling good.

In Training

One of my frat brothers talked me into doing a marathon with him early next year. I really had to sit back and think on it, but a few points came to mind and made me decide to commit to it: (1) My mom ran a marathon in 2004 when she was 41, (2) I am not getting any younger, (3) Its a great way to lose this weight I've been trying to get off. As it stands I am at 265.8 and I want to be down to 240 by the end of the year.

As of now I am able to run 2 miles, which is a small fraction of the total 26.2 of the actual marathon. I am just happy to be training for it. What an accomplishment to have, marathon runner! I'll be keeping you guys updated on my progress on here and on twitter.

Jumping Back Into The Water

Right now I am getting my feet wet. I have put up an ad on one of the sites in hopes of attracting some attention. I got the attention but see that its not the kind that I need right now. And as I embark on this journey back into the scene, I am saddened that I don't have a phone. How can I contact people with no celly? Its kind of pathetic, but I am making strides to get that problem solved. Just watch how I show out!!!

Always Remember Me

I could not find anything to watch on tv after completing True Blood, so I turned to VH1 Soul and hopped online. Some songs came on, but this one really cause my ears to peak.




Not many groups actively grab my attention, but the Noisettes did. A group out of the UK, they are led by a female singer AND bassist. I absolutely love them right now and I'm proceeding to get my hands on some more of their stuff. Here's a treat, they are performing my favorite The Killers song, 'When You Were Young'

True Blood

So I finally finished the first season of True Blood and was really pleased. The last two episodes had me talking to the screen and jumping for joy! I love the characters and storytelling. Sookie is the main character, but her story involves almost every other resident of Bon Temps. Currently my favorite characters are:

Eric and Pam

Bill Compton

I gotta thing for the vampires, lol. I can't wait to catch Season 2 on DVR!!!

Handsome Men 073009

Ok, so I was watching Role Models and can I tell you how attractive Sean William Scott is??



He really reminds me of another attractive young man, Ryan Reynolds.




Which led me to remember Seth Rogen at the 2009 Academy Awards.


OK, I think I'm done for now.

My favorite things 072909b

Ok, here are some funny viral videos I've come across the last couple of weeks.

What have I done for me lately 072909a

So I have come to peace with not getting my degree in the next year and have begun to sow the seeds that will bear creative fruit that satisfies my artistry. I purchased my DSLR and I love it so much!! I have even put together a portfolio for my work. Here are some shots:

There is a certification program that is offered at PGCC and completion would not only give me a creative edge, but some experience that would make me a better candidate. I'll keep you posted on whats to come.

Typecast 0729209

I had a casual conversation with a coworker the other day about something or another. Somehow it became sexual (like things usually get at Ruby Tuesday's, lol) and she mentioned something about me being gay. I smiled and responded with my ambiguous phrase. To this she said its time to identify the pink elephant in the room and that i was a typical angry black gay man. Now I don't know what the angry black gay man is nor do I identify it. I've always told myself that I would never allow myself to be put in anyone's definition of what or how something should be, speak, act, etc.

Through some introspection, I can say that I am a bit more cynical and catty than most of my peers/coworkers. Always quick with a retort or comment meant to make people laugh usually at someone else's expense. But with this I offer up compassion and loyalty, willing to roll up my sleeves and get the job done when others sit by idly. I don't go on tirades by verbally assaulting people and their ideologies (I keep all that to myself, lol). I don't insult the customers when they ask stupid questions or make outlandish requests. I don't tell management how inefficient they are at running the restaurant. Those seem like things that an angry black man would do. I dare not add the gay stereotypes to it.

I'm kinda tired of people thinking so small and inside a narrow view. Not all black men are this or that, not all gay men are this or that, so how could you be so ignorant to compile a personality profile on someone based on things that are miniscule?

As Solange would say, 'STOOPID IDIOTS!'

I've been meaning to update 07292009

I haven't dedicated enough time to my blog because I usually didn't have anything to write about and when I did have something to write about, I chose to be lazy and keep it to myself. But on this night of introspection and music, I am moved to get something off my chest. I'll have to whisk myself back to late June. I had an episode at a club, a really really bad episode.

Synopsis: Got pissy drunk at the club, lost my keys, threw my phone away, abandoned the people I came with, fell out on the sidewalk, rushed to the hospital, admitted for acute alcohol intoxication, walked from HU to my aunt's house in Bladensburg.

When recounting that night, I see the part of myself that was really scary. He was dark, void of rationale, filled with envy and contempt. He was aroused by my insecurities about being alone and feeling unattractive. Gosh, even typing this makes me feel some kind of way. So now I can go into how He showed up in the first place.

Enter two of my friends and two guests from out of town. I had heard about the friends coming into town for some time and made plans to be off during the weekend to ensure that I could partake in the festivities. I arrived on the scene later Friday evening without knowledge of the coupling that happened in my absence. I went in with the intent to make friends and get close, even intimate with one of the guys that I found attractive. Platonic and copacetic vibes were flowing from the apartment to the club. They even lasted into our animated conversation with the bartender. Drinks started getting heavy with the cheap rail tequila and the pairing commenced. I made my way to the empty dancefloor in an effort to have fun and dance off the feeling of being the fifth wheel. It was somewhere in this area when two went off by themselves and two others made out on the dancefloor. My heart sank as I watched the scene unfold and saw my aspirations of getting intimate shattered in an instant. I ran to the bar to indulge in the sweet libation that is top shelf tequila, numbing my feelings and inadvertedly releasing the seal of the beast. I can't recollect too much of the details from the rest of the night but I know the feelings I felt.

As much as I tried to push it away and forget about it, I can't let it go. I felt and STILL feel betrayed by the two people that I thought were in my corner. I felt out the loop on a loop that I helped shape. A bond that I nurtured and held close, these two people took from me. I really don't make it my business to impose myself into relationships, but this bond was really close to me. I felt as though I could tell these guys anything and do anything for them. It hurts, and stings even more that they don't see or don't acknowledge my anguish.

Damn, it really hurts to be abandoned....

Thanx 4 Nothin' 06302009

'...music is a universal language and truly the greatest of the arts...'

Upon going through my iTunes playlist I came across the Mariah Carey song, Thanx 4 Nothin'. As the intro played out I was whisked to the a few months ago. In the healing stages of the break up, that song was my declaration not to lose any sleep over ole boy. Going from the verse:

I can't even know what to say,
I've been hurt, I've been played, and I'm so ashamed
I can't even cry, its that deep,
You just lie and you cheat like its nothing.

Vividly painting the picture of hurt caused by the breakup. She goes on (and up) to become free in the chorus:

A boy thanks for nothing,
I never knew enough about you babe
and I guess I only have myself to blame,
Now my broken heart is shattering, you were just playing a game

Nothing anyone could do to convince me babe,
I was living in a lie, just a masquerade
Now I'll never be the same,
But you were just playing a game.

She's singing about being EMANCIPATED of the bullshit and when I got to that point, the music just spoke to me.

You were just fronting
So thanks for nothing!

To the King of Pop.

I didnt know this video was so sexual, but I love it. Naomi is killing it. RIP MJ.

Dating Chronicles 06152009

In a rip from Mel's page, I will showcase my current dating status. At the time of this post, it is more of a parody since I do not consider myself dating anyone at the moment. Still happily single but entertaining options that I fear will not turn up anything fruitful. Each time I engage someone, I seem to find little things that turn me off. This in turn makes me reflect on myself and question what I really want out of the people I choose to entertain. These introspections sometimes come during the actual date (as it has for the past few encounters), leaving me to give short answers and feign interest in the mundane details of someone's life.

The thing that comes up most in what I look for is someone to stimulate me intellectually. No matter how much game you run; how big 'it' is; how attractive you are, it all fails if you can't draw my attention to something other than those things. I operate in a way of obsession and addiction, taking in all that I can, as much as I can to digest and process it. Things of physical nature don't last too long with me. This is the biggest hurdle to overcome, but surely getting through it will open up layers of myself that are reserved for my closest and most intimate friends.

Bitch.Boo.Bye 06142009

LMAO!! Thanks to Andre of the Rosary for putting me on this one.

Wow, I never thought this day would come 06042009b

As I Was talking to a friend earlier today, it dawned on me that I no longer have an obligation to my chapter as president. I performed my last presidential duty on Monday and with it behind me I feel a burden off my shoulders. It was a arduous term, but I came out of it with a new sense of pride and an ability to perform under pressure.

But onto the purpose of this post. I no longer have to think about my image in relation to the chapter, band or even Howard University. I can now stand and not be associated with those organizations as any part of their leadership. My time has come and gone to serve in those capacities, I now look forward to bettering myself. Part of that comes from stepping out the shadows and being me, not the me that is seen by many as the aforementioned leader. And for that, I am thankful!!!

Learning more about myself 06042009a

Everyday we learn something new and today I can say that I learned, better yet accepted, a part of myself that I had neglected. Tapping into that part of my being was a bit scary, but with the right person (like this evening) the outcome is well worth it. To provide some clarity, I accepted a fetish with armpits. Ahh, the joy!! With this in my arsenal, I know that my future experiences with ****** will be something to go in the books.

All roads lead to this place 06042009

If you take a look at the entirety of my blog, you would see that the subject of intimate relationships come up ever so often. I believe its at least once a month. So here is my take on it for June, lol. I want to date and develop feelings for someone, but that process gets boring and misleading. People want to call all the time, say they feel you before they know you, etc. The inverse is you feel someone, call them all the time and say that you feel them before you really know. The whole situation is taxing on an individual, especially when undertaking the task once/twice a month.

From what I have shared with some people, I think that I would be in a better position to just be someone's friend and proceed into an intimate arena. Being friends, I am privy to a bit more information than if I'm getting to know someone. Namely it is the amount of bullshit that I have to filter, that is what I care about. Knowing a person well enough would grant me access to observe and analyze their behaviors to see just how much of their word they tend to keep.

Arg, dating is so hectic...

Pretty Wings

I remember listening to his music as a child and not realizing his talent. With this song, I see that I will have to get into Maxwell.

Someone asked me 05272009

Someone asked me the other night how my love life was going, my response:

Physically, I want to jump on the next erect dick.
Emotionally, I want to wait for the right one.
Reality, I got my eye on someone.

Body Cleansing 05262009

So I have been thinking about it for a while and I have been sold. In this time of so much change in my life I am continuing the trend by submitting myself through the process of changing my eating habits and overall eating lifestyle. I have been off pork since last August and off of beef since late February. I tried to give up my poultry but DAMN its so hard (a brother LOVES some chicken). This was naturally the other option, starting out with a body cleansing. 10 day body detox followed by a strict 12 week diet and exercise regimen that is guaranteed to get me to the size I would feel most comfortable.

And I know people are going to say, 'Well you don't need to lose any weight' or, 'You look perfectly fine to me.' To that I say, this is a journey for me. If I show myself to be shallow for wanting a slimmer midsection, then I would contend to say that those people don't know me too well.

Update 05162009

Hey guys, its been a little while since I've updated a post. There are many things to discuss (i think), so I'll do them in bullet format.

• I finally got my DSLR and it was for a steal!!! I had to use my resources and instincts to hunt for better prices.
  
• I am not 23 yrs old and I celebrated with some of my closest friends. The song of that weekend was Epiphany by Chrisette Michele. Not taking the same tone, I realized that these are the guys who are always there for me and I would never want to lose them. Bringing me tears of joy when I hang with them, I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
• Love and the derivatives of infatuation and strong liking can go suck a dick! From previous experiences and rationalization, I know these things are not for me at the moment.
  
• GOD AIN'T THROUGH WITH ME YET!!
• I'm on the come up at Ruby Tuesday, training to be a bartender, so holla at me in 2 months. (I definitely feel like a character in the old school Final Fantasy games, changing my class from server to bartender to use more black and white magic, lol)
• My lil brother is graduating soon and going off to college. I'm going to miss the lil guy, so much like me, yet so different. I definitely have to make this summer a great one for him.
• I'm on the lookout for some low key opportunities to further my photo skills. (and editing, definitely purchased that Photoshop for Dummies)

Ok, I think thats enough for now, I'll try to keep this updated as long as time allows.

Its Just.... 04302009

Let us take the time out to examine the word 'just' and our diminutive usage in our everyday vernacular. Using it in a adverb sense, the word has become a get out of jail free card for our many politically INcorrect phrases. Think about it, we can say about anything offensive as long as we use the word in front. The phrase goes from inexcusable to seemingly hilarious with its inclusion. Adding to our sarcastic and cynical arsenal, just is the multi-purpose bullet that fits many of the verbal weapons we use from day to day. Just something to think about...

Finding the Reasoning 004282009

Some time before I spoke about a premonitory sense that quietly dictates our actions or at least tries to warn us of the dangers ahead. Much has transpired since my last post and I see now that there was a reason for my absence in my postings about updates. In time I will return to fill in every sordid detail of what happened, but until then, we will continue with our regularly scheduled programming. THANKS!

What to do 04172009

Its amazing to see how things slip through your fingers as quickly as they materialize. At the moment I am trying my hardest to not let my emotions get the best of me, but it is so hard. They are in a flux; anger at myself for allowing someone to 'sweep me off my feet'; fear of putting my hopes into someone selling a dream that I have yet to see. Looking deeper in it, I am mostly filled with anger. How could I do that to myself? How could he give up so easily? Why the hell did I set myself up like this? What the fuck was I thinking? Have I not learned my lesson? Why haven't I typed a nice long facebook message to tell him how I truly feel? Why the hell did I respond to his initial message? Why did I accept the friend request? Where do I go from here?

I see now that the actions taken have made me more damaged than before. Time for something more drastic. Phase one activate!

Don't Underestimate Me 04162009

I really don't know the impression I leave on people, but I do believe it is widely positive. I won't go fishing for superlatives; I just know that I am a good person. Don't take my calm demeanor as a sign of naivete, I know right well what is going on around me and have control over myself at all times. I may search for answers and even break down at times, but I am always conscious of my surroundings and audience. Carefully discerning to whom I expose my most vulnerable and ephemeral side. And deeper, buried in the dark and malignant recesses of my mind, is the ability to lose all compassion in pursuance of a goal. I hope that you never experience that...

Today Was a Good Day 04142009

Woke up with a smile and a positive attitude after being on the phone for hours with T. Our conversation definitely gave me a pep to put in my step as I prepared for work. I immediately showered and headed out the door, intent on making it to Borders to pick up a new book, Angels & Demons (D. Brown). I finished Hiding in Hip Hop (T. Dean), last night and wanted a different genre to lose myself. With the upcoming movie release and favor for The DaVinci Code, I knew I had to pick this book up. Throughout the day, I got through 200 pages. (note: reading good literature makes the time spent on the metro fly). When I arrived to work I was informed that someone called out and they wanted me to come in later to close. I opted to grab a bite and devour the recently purchased book for 2 hrs. I got on the clock and was on a roll. I sold 6 of our promotional items to get mgt off my back. Fun conversation with coworkers and the guests didn't blow me too much. Made it home and just been chilling, today was a good day!

100 Truths

I needed something to reconnect me to my blog, so here we go! (Thanks Mels!)


1. Last beverage→ Pepsi
2. Last phone call→ Travis
3. Last text message→ Darian
4. Last song you listened to→ Heaven-John Legend
5. Last time you cried→ its been a while

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice? → Yea
2. Been cheated on? →Yea, that shit is so grimey
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? hmmm
4. Lost someone special?→ Yes
5. Been depressed?→ Never been diagnosed, so no
6. Been drunk and threw up? →oh boy, have I?

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Blue
2. White
3. Black
4. Red

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → All the time
2. Fallen out of love → Yea, me and love have a peculiar relationship, always showing up when I don't want to be bothered
3. Laughed until you cried → Yea, I almost pissed my pants too!
4. Met someone who changed you → Yea, they made me want to be smarter
6. Found out someone was talking about you → No, does that mean no one is talking about me?
9. How many kids do you want to have→ 3 two boys and a girl
10. Do you have any pets → not currently, but I want a dog
11. Do you want to change your name→ Nah, there aren't too many with my name
12. What did you do for your last birthday→ Learned how to make a Mojito
14. What were you doing at midnight last night- on the phone with Travis
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Working in my field!!!
16. Last time you saw your father→ Can't remember, more importantly, DONT CARE
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life→ nothing, everything that has happened has made me the person I am
18. What are you listening to right now → The Killers
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Does Thomas and Tommy count?
20. What's getting on your nerves right now? → Financial situatio
21. Most visited webpage → Facebook


1. What's your name→ L. Lorenzo
2. Nicknames→Any variant of my last name
3. Relationship Status → Talking to someone
4. Zodiac sign → Taurus
5. Male or female or transgendered → Male
6. Elementary--> St. Francis De Sales and Spellman
7. Middle School → Greenbelt
8. High school → Fairmont Heights
10. Hair color → Dark Brown
11. Long or short → Short
16. Height → 6'8''
17. Do you like someone? yessir and it feels good!

18. What do you like about yourself? → I think a lot
19. Piercings → 2
20. Tattoos → 3
21. Righty or lefty→ Righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → Right after puberty hit, one of the guys didn't come down...
23. First piercing → my ears
24. First best friends → Marquis, Selika and John
26. First sport you joined → Tennis
27. First pet →Dunno if he was the first, but he was the first I remembered, Chilly
28. First vacation→ Niagra Falls, back when I was the only child
29. First concert → MC Hammer
30. First crush → Stephanie

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → Pastries
50. Drinking → Pepsi
52. I'm about to → chill and then do the nasty alone, tehehehe
53. Listening to → The Killers still
55. Waiting for → nothing

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? → yes
59. Want to get married? → The jury is still out on this one


WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes? → Eyes
69. Hugs or kisses? → Kisses
70. Shorter or taller? Shorter
71. Older or Younger? →Older
72. Romantic or spontaneous? → Romantic
73. Nice booty or tatas? → Chest ;)
74. Good guys or bad guys? → Definitely the good guy, there's a reason the bad guy is bad...
75. Hook-up or relationship? → 2 yrs ago, hook-up...now, RELATIONSHIP

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger? → went a lil further than that with a stranger, lol
80. Lost glasses/contacts? → Nah, but I did step on them when I was drunk in a club...and they were later stolen from my bookbag
81. Skinny Dipped? → Yes, in Bermud
82. Broken someone's heart? → Yea...Karma made sure I got mine though
83. Had your own heart broken? → Read Above
85. Been arrested? → Thankfully no
86. Turned someone down? → Yes
87. Cried when someone died? → Yes
88. Liked a friend? → Yes, I have some attractive friends

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself? → Of course, if I don't who will?
90. Miracles? → Yes
91. Love at first sight → Eh, dunno
92. Heaven → Yes
93. Santa Clause → No
95. Kiss on the first date? Yes...if you talkin right we may get some heavy petting in there, lol
96. Angels → Not in the conventional sense


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → He knows who he is
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → Never have and never will!
99. Will you repost this? → Prolly not
100. Did you lie at any of these questions? Nope

Blame it on the... 04062009

Alcohol, it lowers my inhibitions and opens the emotional floodgates that I work so diligently to uphold. I will not go into detail my reasons (read older posts for that) but know that I keep them well hidden for a reason. With the happy juice coursing through my veins, I am more apt to divulge the warm center of my being. One would think that this is a positive, but given my fragile emotional self, I often find the reason why I lock that part up in the first place.

I think I need these 04012009a

Ok, so I've been thinking about some of the movies that I think would be great additions to my collection and just good for me to finally see.

• Do The Right Thing
• Miracle At St. Anna
• She's Gotta Have It
• Psycho (Original)
• Doubt- it comes out next week!!!!
• Nightmare on Elm Street
• Friday the 13th
• Little Miss Sunshine
• Pineapple Express
• Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
• Pan's Labyrinth- I'm looking for the collectors or special edition
• Slumdog Millionaire
  

I have more but I can't bring all of them to mind right now...

Subjectivity 04012009

These thoughts about life and its myriad concepts always come to me at the most random moments. I believe it comes from my practice of drawing parallels between situations. Something happened at work today that flung my mind to something that had happened days or weeks before. The concept came to me that many of the things that we consider as concrete can be left up to question and interpretation. In my eyes that makes them entirely subjective. Of course there are things that we all accept as subjective; beauty, style, entertainment, success, etc. But what about concepts like good and evil; emotions like love, joy, and pain; attributes like dedication, compassion, and integrity. How do we accurately categorize and ascribe these constructs to people we know when their foundations are based on interpretative grounds? And what do we call it when a something is not exactly that which we describe it as? Do we automatically call it by its inverse? Surely we can not dismiss something as evil just because it is not the picturesque good. This grey area is where we can find a wide range of subjectivity. Something to ponder, but I fear that a conclusion will never be reached.

At the crossroads 03302009

It seems that I can go months on end without any deep personal connections. I live the single life in the truest sense of the word, solely. Then there come one, who I think could be the one. I engage them and they engage me, we exchange ideas, thoughts, feelings, but are sure not to sour the experience by sharing flesh. There is always apprehension for either one of us to admit the feelings, but it is assuaged when we realize that they are reciprocated. Then it falls of somehow, not always intentionally or directly, but the situation reaches the precipice where its do or die. This gives way for someone else to enter and form a bond, sometimes seemingly more sturdy than the initial. The scene replays with the exchanges and it feels good until reality hits and I realize that the script has been adapted for a different medium, but the cast has changed. With prior obligations/ties to the former, I am stuck at the crossroads.

Its been awhile since I've made a post, and I don't have anything in particular to post at the moment. I will definitely do an overhaul when I get the time. Until then, SAYONARA!

Six Degrees of Separation 03122009

They say that everyone on the planet is connected to someone else by 6 steps. But I have noticed in the past couple of weeks that certain communities are linked even closer, which is not always a good thing. Maybe its the many sites that we frequent or just the growing number of people that are 'out', but I feel that it s really getting out of hand in the DC gay community. Everytime I turn around, I see someone that knows someone that I talked to or messed with. And then it gets worse when I hear about all the hook ups and 'friendships' that happen between people that I would have thought are worlds apart. It seems that everyone knows everything about everyone through everyone. I mean this to say that person A knows about person J because persons B-I talked to both people and everyone in between. This shit is fustrating and I can't wait til I move away!!

In the words of... 03102009a

With this off time from school, I have more time to read books at leisure. I started with a required reading for my Orientation class, "Succeeding Against the Odds," the story of John H. Johnson. I'm more than halfway through the book, but I see that he possessed a lot of wisdom and the text is definitely quotable. Here are a few:

• "Most of the Problems of American industry, including the failure to anticipate and adapt changes in the electronic and car industries, can be traced to the fatal disease "WWY'-what worked yesterday."
• "You can't be satisfied with yesterday's success, no matter how enjoyable or satisfying it might be. And you're a fool if you think that what you did yesterday is going to satisfy your customers or your board or your wife forever."
• "And I'm convinced that the only way to get ahead in this world is to live and sell dangerously. You've got to live beyond your means. You've got to commit yourself to an act or a vision that pulls you further than you want to go and forces you to use your hidden strength."
• "A small step gives you the confidence to make a big step. And a big step gives you courage to run."

I feel that these quotes can be adopted into mantra that transcend the business world. Thanks John H. Johnson

Updating 03102009

So the past couple of weeks (or just a month) has been really trying for me. After being purged from the university system, I was on the search for a job. At the end of two weeks I got two job offers, both of which I took. So I'm working part-time at both jobs trying to make sure that my bills get paid. The good thing about working the jobs is that they are different in terms of pay. One is paid by the hour the other is a serving gig. So I collect money each week and that's all good for me!

Love life, eh. Something is blooming, but its still too early to give any details. At this point I'm just admiring through the computer, and we all know how that can go awfully wrong.

Fitness *psigh* I am really holding out from doing any exercise until I get my hands on an ipod, I just feel so incomplete without one. And once I get that almighty 'cash flow', I will definitely be on the lookout for a gym with a pool. Ya boy likes to be aquatic!

Strength In An Adversary 03042009a

Today I took Kazuki up on a friendly wager. As a means to motivate each other to lose weight and workout more, we are in competition to see who can lose the most weight by the end of the month. Currently I am 257.8, I will keep you guys posted on where I stand week by week.

While I Was Out 03042009

I had the pleasure of hanging out with Divo yesterday and he showed me the latest Madonna pics in W. This shit is FIYAH!!! I don't know how many other 50 year olds can look this good, do you? These were just a few of my faves, check out the rest.

It is but a dream 03022009a

I have grown very weary of the internet dating scene. I won't go into detail, but I definitely don't find it healthy to a budding relationship to be sitting on sites all day waiting for someone to respond to a message. In time, as I grow stronger, I will be able to do without them. I am pressing towards that mark with my fantasy of meeting a stand-up kind of guy.

Me and Mel talked about it (and the Divo earlier tonight) some time ago, about how we would like to be approached in a setting that is a little picturesque. Personally, I would like to be browsing the collection of graphic novels in Border's, in my own little world when I spot someone out the corner of my eye. At first glance I can just tell that he's well put together. Intelligent. Humorous. Eccentric. Worldly. Attractive. Worth the building anxiety that I feel as awkward eye glances are captured in time immortal. The shyness would build in me and I would turn in the opposite direction only to be tapped by him. Turning to greet a beautiful face and extended arm that would accompany his introduction. Thrown off my balance, I would quickly try to find a way to regain control by asking questions and trying to keep him engaged. Seemingly he would try to end the conversation but prompt me with his number and a salutation saying that he expects to hear from me soon.

Ahh, a man can dream can't he