I feel like I am stuck in a cave with little light but so much to explore. My mind has different thoughts, opinions, and reflections about a little of everything at this point. I guess I can traverse down a certain passageway and find myself wallowing in uncertainty because I don't know what I want. When presented with different options about how to go about this dating scene, I always contemplate too long and I am left feeling alone and unwanted. I hate feeling this way because it makes me feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to whoever can come to my aid and whisper the right words. I'll be at a point of disadvantage so much so that I would willing offer myself to him with no forethought about the consequences of my actions. Then I move pass that phase and enter regret because I was the dog that looked into the water and tried to grab the bone that was in the reflection. Left with nothing, I am left to wander around wishing to simply press the reset button to make a different decision. I could probably be in a different spot if my situation were different. If I possessed the means to an end, I may be happy, or even just a little content with my love life right now. But I digress, because I have other things to worry about. I think I digress...shit....I have no choice but to digress and move on. Time spent too long on things like this will call forth the deeper demons that I wish not to entertain at the moment.
I sometimes feel unmotivated to do things. The duties and responsibilities that I have been entrusted with, I lack the emotion to carry them out successfully. I dunno where this stems from but I think I need to take a break from being so accessible. Even with a disconnected phone, I remain to stay in contact with a lot of people through various social networking sites. I get one, check messages and sit, like a fly on the wall, waiting for something exciting to happen. A chance to flex my expertise or interact with people. I won't announce my sabbatical. I find it awfully boastful to announce to the world that one is leaving or going on some type of pilgrimage. If one truly put his heart into leaving and bettering himself, he would trust that those that truly care could read this from miles away. Everyone else, well I guess it was nice to have the illusion of caring for the moment.
Ha! Even as I write this I am compelled to check up on myself, to see if anyone really cares as much as I would like. That is a story for another day I believe.
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Amen...you should do that. I did but I only really talked to you. The only thing I have to say is reentry is really odd. Its like social limbo you want to be there but you also wanna be else where.
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