These feelings are coming back to me. I don't feel that it is a good thing either. I am reverted back to the kid I was looking for any attention from anywhere. That is the spirit I posses, but the mind and rationale are of my adolescent self, the one that learned how to do without the affection and attention of others. These two personae are at a clash with each other because they are from two different parts of my life. The kid is trying to find his place and left wondering what will happen to his family once this divorce is settled. A child thrown into adult problems, while not being buffered for the situation, naturally wants to find a place to run and hide. The adolescent who searched for understanding and affection in all the wrong places, finds that abandonment is a source of motivation. Compelling him to move past the issues of the past to focus on the present and future.
With time taking a seemingly immortal quality, the confrontation between the two wages on in my mind. The child, still looking for things to cope with, and the adolescent, looking to move past the pain. Both a part of each other and share the feeling of being empty. A void cast in the nether of the soul that has not been properly evaluated. This abyss takes on a toxic characteristic, infecting different aspects of life, hoping to incapacitate the body. I will move past this, something will intercede and take my mind off of things, it always does.
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