Goodbye 2008, I will may never love again 12312008

Ah, the final day of the year. It couldn't have arrived here sooner. 2008 was a real trying time for me. But I press on and as I prepare for the evening, I put together a nice playlist for the car.

1. Green Light-John Legend feat Andre 3000- A good pacesetter for the evening, all I need is the green light to get the night started right. Its a good upbeat song from Legend and 3000's lyrics on the rap are wicked.
   
2. Beautiful Dirty Rich-Lady Gaga- A cool song that a friend of mine put me on.
   
3. Swagga Like Us- T.I. and Jay-Z feat. Kanye West and Lil' Wayne- Just a fly ass track and I'm not even a big hip-hop head.
   
4. Anti Matter- N.E.R.D.- One of my favorite tracks off of Seeing Sounds. (MUTHA FUCKA ARE YOU ADHD?....YOU JUMP AROUND LIKE YOU ADHD)
5. Beep-Bobby Valentino feat. Young Joc- A nice psuedo-ballad from Valentino that makes me realize that innuendo is becoming a device of the past.
   
6. Lillipop (Remix)- Lil' Wayne feat. Kanye West- Only like Kanye's verse...not big on Wayne.
7. Poker Face- Lady Gaga- This was force fed to me by a special lady.
   
8. Single Ladies- Beyonce/Sasha Fierce- Umm, really don't know who to give credit to for this track. But the video is fire and responsible for thousands of reenactments via YouTube. Some of them be killin' it, others are just killed.
   
9. American Boy- Estelle feat. Kanye West- I totally love the feel of this track, its somethin I can rock at the skating rink. Good collaboration with the two artist and everyone wants an American boy, tehehehe.
   
10. Diva-Beyonce/Sasha Fierce- Everyone has the right to be a lil diva at times.
11. Go Girl- Ciara feat. T-Pain- Love the industrial beat and the video was pretty cool. I can't wait to hear the whole album.
    
12. Paranoid- Kanye West feat. Mr. Hudson-First, WHO THE HELL IS MR. HUDSON?!?!? lol...I love this track, it was my anthem as I was completing my final paper of the semester. I even recorded a video for it.
    
13. Losin' It- R. City- Dunno what happened to these guys but I love this track. It reminds me of those summer nights drinking with my co-workers...yea even the one where I almost got arrested, FUCK DA POLICE!!!
14. Get Like Me- David Banner feat. Chris Brown and Young Joc- Like the beat more than the lyrics.
    
15. So Fly- Slim feat. Young Joc- Sometimes I just feel like 'takin off'.
16. T.O.N.Y.-Solange- The Other Night oh whY...I've had to ask myself this question on more than one occasion in 2008.
    
17. I Decided Pt. 2 (Freemasons Mix)- Solange- A different take on her first single that I find empowering while running. (definitely on the workout playlist)
18. Damaged-Danity Kane- awww R.I.P. Danity Kane
19. Violet Stars Happy Hunting (Cyber-Hop Mix)- Janelle Monae- I discovered the talents of Ms. Monae this year and I feel its only right to roll out with her also.

Geez, do I liek Kanye or what?

Blasted orange fret 12292008a

I remember my first foray into the video game music scene. I traded in a good amount of games, almost $200 worth. I brought some games and still had money left over. I heard so much about this Guitar Hero and thought since I had the money, why not give it a try. I purchased GH2 for my PS@ and have a good time with it. Then Rock Band came out and I got that for my 360 (I *hear* you!!). I became pretty good on the drums and decided to make that my home when I play with friends. After downloading some No Doubt last night, I decided to get back on guitar. I am taking up a new thing and showing you something new. I am now practicing on hard which means getting my pinky down to the dreaded orange fret. I will get it, I know that I can!!!

No, see what you need to do is... 12292008

Although I do not believe in making resolutions (see sidebar), this season makes me think of things I can do to change myself for the better. I know I am progressing to something great and I feel that these things can only make my journey better.

• Get a job-With bills piling up and the desire to experience more things, it is paramount that I land some type of stable employment. There biggest impasse that I encounter is my availablity during the semester.
  
• Take better care of myself- I will achieve this through becoming physically fit and eating more healthy. I know this will not come overnight but I am taking steps block by block. Start with jogging and cutting out soda to end up 3-4 days a week in the gym and off red meat.
  
• Become more vocal- This territory comes along with being more confident in who I am. I do a pretty good job of voicing my opinions, but there are situations, issues, and debates that I fear to entertain. But this break from school has been an eye opener for me and I will always remember these things when I feel intimidated by the aforementioned situations.
  
• Read and write more- I feel that I have a lot of vivid stories that could make for good tv shows, movies, documentaries, etc. They often come when I am alone and have no way of documenting them. So I will start to carry and USE some thing to take down my ideas. As ideas spill out I will need to replenish them with new ideas through reading. Good news on that part is that I have accumulated 4 different books since the semester ended, so ummm, yea...let me get to work on that!

Sidebar: If you have a problem that you feel that you need to RESOLVE, why wait until new year's to make a RESOLUtion. Take the time you have now and make a change. It doesn't have to do something drastic, a small change in the right direction can set you up for greatness in your endevours. People often hide behind this notion to continue to engage in things that provide instant gratification(read: pigging out during the holidays) [CUT TO: Me eating everything in sight, lol]. I'm not perfect, just saying....

Growing pains 12252008

Everyday we grow older but I believe that we have been deceived not to realize this until there is some sort of stimulation. Sometimes its a friend's wedding, a relative's passing, the birth of a child, or even the holidays. For me the last rang true today. As I prepared for our tradition Christmas Eve festivities, I was alerted by my mother that I would be the one driving this year because she was not going. She gave me the power to decide whether or not I would continue the tradition. It felt surreal, but I obliged because I genuinely wanted to celebrate. My family usually plays with their gifts in the hours following opening them. I opted to take a nap and when I woke up it was to no surprise that they were still at it. When asked why I chose not to participate by my sister, my mother contended, 'He is a grown man, he doesn't have to stay up here with us.' Let it be known that sh meant no harm by it, she was just stating what I felt. Honestly, I felt too old to sit up and play along with everyone. Maybe not old, but just a lack of feeling familial at the moment.

I returned upstairs a few times to see the atmosphere of the family, making sure that I was kept in the loop about when we were departing for my grandmother's, another tradition. Unfortunately, I was left behind with out any indication of the family's departure.

Through these events I realized that I am growing up and practices that were once unspoken are relics of the past. The cliche fits, a closed mouth does not get fed. Although I live in my parent's house, I have a unique freedom. The freedom of a man but the privilege of a minor. I don't know how I feel about it and I can't determine if this situation is beneficial for my current situation.

Phrases i 12242008

I know a lil bit of a lot of things and I usually draw my expressions from different mediums. They may be incorrect in their usage or translation, but they fir the situation in which characters used it. Below is a list of my commonly used phrases:

• Yatta!- Japanese in origin, mostly used by Hiro Nakamura form Heroes. Possible meanings: Yay!, I did it!, or Yes!
  
• Aye dios mio- one of the sketch characters of SNL used. Translation: Oh my God
• Osoku naate sumimasen- learned in Japanese class (karasu no nihongo) which translates to please forgive me for being late.
• Great Success!!- something my friend said and it stuck with me.
• Santen Kesshun I reject!- a spiritual move used by Orihimie Inoue from Bleach. With this power she can reject the existence of things and when fully concentrated, she can reject reality. How cool is that?

When I started this post I thought I would have more than 5, but I digress. When I think of other ones, I will let it be known.

Ah need two reed moore 12232008b

On the latter part of our trip, we (myself, stepfather/dad, and sisters) stop by Borders. We spent a good chunk of time in there, each one of us in different parts of the store. I spent my time reading the introduction to a book of Japanese folklore. (Do not fret, I shall return for you...) While I waited for everyone to tie up their loose ends I browsed the books in the African-American Interest section and saw a few books that I also wanted. If I had the means, I would have walked out of there with more than enough literature for the break.....I GOTTA GET A JOB!!!

Stroke of genuis while driving 12232008a

I must say that I engage in some truly thought provoking inner dialogues while I am driving. With the right music and sense of direction my mind is open to explore different ideas and truths that would otherwise be kept in the recesses of my mind as I take care of more pressing issues (included but not limited to school, band, work, family, and relationships). So as I drove up 295 today, part of the family in tow and 808 and Heartbreak on the speakers, I thought about the issue of race. Not in sense that it is traditionally spoken of, but in more of a logistical way. When we make an argument about race, we are quick (sometimes hesitant) to label the sides as white and blacks, whites and minorities, blacks and minorities, or any variation of the sort. This creates a problem because labeling gives way to assumption. The assumption that every white person is for the oppression of blacks and other minorities or that every black woman is either a video vixen (using that word very generously) or an Omarosa (just happened to see her book in Borders today). As we are all very sure, these are far from true.

One of the great things about growing up in this era of information and technology is that we can question concepts that were widely accepted as truth, i.e. race. Yes, for those that did not know, race is a man mad concept that can not be measured by any means other than the pigment of a person's skin. Think hard about it and tell me another way to do it. Research shows that on a microscopic level, there is no more of a similarity between two people of the same 'race' and two people of a different race. It even shows that there sometimes more similarities between two people of different races than those of the same race. So ummm, yea take that convention of the old guard!

But back to the subject at hand, when discussing race and placing the labels that we often use, black and white, we also diminish the value, struggle, and validity of those outside our groups. Who is to say that our struggles are not similar? Who is to say that their feelings about a subject are not the same? To this, I propose that we drop the labels of race (as a means to erase the concept for future generations) and use the terms 'us and them'. At first glance if seems elementary and pending your inspection, you may find it that way. But we can use the marker of us to stand, all inclusively, for those who share in our sentiments and in our dreams for the future and the marker them, all inclusively, for those who happen to be our antitheses.

Pick-up 12232008

I know that we have all heard them, the means for which suitors try to impress/seduce others to take a peaked interest in them. In fact I have been (I know some of you all have also), but its when one is on the receiving end that one can truly see how pitiful these advances can be.

Por exemplar: As dude is tryna get to know me, it drops that I am a gamer. So when discussing his boredom compared to my entertainment with my 360 (I love you), it comes up that he hasn't played the game and would like for me to 'teach him'.

NIGGA, I take my games too seriously to be teaching you how to play, come with the skills so we can compete and go from there. Maybe I take my games to seriously, but then again...If we superimpose the situation in another realm, I would feel the same way about it all. Being that I'm versed in Japanese and anime/manga, I find it much more attractive if someone steps to me in saying that they like certain types of anime, can speak/write a bit, or have some concept of either of the two rather than asking if I can teach you or recommend some to you. It kinda blows the attraction level, albeit on a minimal scale.

Its just a pet peeve for me and my interests. I am more attracted to someone who shares the interests so we can speak intelligently than someone who is using them to get closer to me. Just be you and stop soliciting private tutor lessons!

Man, FUCK YOU!!! 12212008

I know in the past that I have accepted the practice of casual sex. Hell, I even reveled in it. But I stand here to say that its not worth it. There are parties out here that are out for nothing more than the thrill of having sex and there is nothing wrong with it at all. But if you are this, make it known what is going to happen after the fact. Is it so hard to stand up and promulgate your true intentions? I see, you find it much easier to acquiesce to the progressing conversation leading up to the moment of passion (which is ironically devoid of it) as not to face the situation. I should have called the game when I saw it, because I have definitely been on your side of the board. But its alright. I will move on, because its apparent that you already have.

Tv Currents 12192008

I never knew that I would turn into my grandmother in respects to following tv shows, but lo and behold, as I begin my winter break, I am caught up watching syndicated runs of CSI. The show is so appealing to me for so many reasons. I like the stories and love the characters (absolutely LOVE Gary Dourdan), but I simply could not live with out the way they use science and deductive reasoning to solve the cases. To this aspect, each character's personality often compliments the scene/case. And while looking at the episode, there are some crazy advanced camera techniques in here, namely selective focusing . They also use different styles to advance stories. The episode that I'm currently watching is a taken directly from Akira Kurosawa's Rashomon. There is homage paid to the same film in the early 2008 film Vantage Point. The premise lies in the conflicting stories that arrives from different perspectives of the same event.

My second show, should have been the first, is Ugly Betty. America Ferrera is the face of change, not only in the show, but in primetime tv. Who would have thought that a unconventional beauty could rise up and bring so many viewers to the network. I am more in love with this show than the previous one because of its soap opeara format and emphasis on minorities, both in front and behind the camera. For those that do not now, the show is based on the Columbian telanovella, Betty le feo (Betty the ugly). Salma Hayek serves as one of the executive producers and was even featured in several episodes. Ah, I really can't put into words what this show means and how much I love it....stay tuned for a new post about it in the future.

Breaking the tape 12162008

In my darkness and moment of introspection, I see clearly that nice guys finish last...

Unit 01 Pilot Reporting 12122008a

Shinji Ikari is one of my favorite anime characters. He is emotionally bruised and psychologically unstable. His unfortunate upbringing, losing his mother and earning the spite of his father for being weak, make for awkward social interaction with his fellow members of NERV.

I bring him up because I find parts of myself in his story and struggle. The need to be wanted; the fear of being perceived as weak; the ambition to make others happy. I have at one point or another felt same way about these themes.



In the series ending, viewers turned into see Shinji conversing with his different 'selves'. The different selves that everyone(Asuka, Rei, Gendo and Misato) sees, the self that he knows, the self that he wants to be, etc. In these I can see a commonality in the different 'selves' I see, some of which are metaphysical manifestations of the different types of intelligences as proposed by Dr. Gardner (HA! Take that Human Development, I learned something!!!) The one that I seem to have the most problems out of is the emotional self. Always wanting to be wanted, the emotional self has foolishly fell into the media imposed construct of how to behave when courting another.I have learned how to cleverly decieve this self into sumbission through hedgemonic means. The oppressing self in most of these cases is the hedonistic self. But each time I deceive the emo self, he grows more resentful of his treatment and colludes with the rational self to be set free. On the whim that he is released from his shackles, he is quick to make a scene of things.

I was told that the hedonistic self is the cause for my anguish at present, but I beg to differ. The emotional self sometimes seeps his chakra into the hedonistic self and causes greater harm than if the emotional self acted alone. The symbiotic relationship between the two confuse the logical/rational self as I attach feelings to my personal conquest, the proverbial notches in the headboard. I am then left with emotional scars on every self, which the emotional self sadistically enjoys.



Until I am prepared to deal with all the ramifications of the actions of the emotional self, I must imprison him.....

Within me all reside, all free save for one.

Jones' heart has a neighbor 12122008

So I'm going to cut my losses before I end up in emotional debt to life. That which I thought was for me, unfortunately is not and never will be. It is going to be a long uphill battle, one in which I will become even more guarded in my heart. The same heart that I hoped to share, the same one that was warmed by 'you' will now be locked in a chest. Not intentionally, but like Calypso toyed with Davy Jones' emotions, so do I feel in this situation. Let it be known that if any other comes to request my heart, he will be told that it resides in tandem with Davy Jones'.

Funny moment 12112008a

I love Alanis Morissette for this. I love to watch parodies and nothing makes me laugh more than a well executed parody.

Musical Interlude I 12112008

So another quirky gear that resides within me is my love for musicals. Although my viewing library is small, I become enthralled in each new one I watch. The music stays on mind long enough for me to find a way to put in on my itunes. So as I was going through my library last night, I spent most of the night on this...



I really enjoy the different characters that show their vulnerable selves as they audition to be part of the play. It has that whole dream within a dream (insert word to replace thing but akin to motif) thing (strike when the word is found). As I was sifting through the self that I see and know, the lyrics to 'What I Did For Love' seemed to make sense to me for some reason.

Kiss the day goodbye
The sweetness and the sorrow
Wish me luck, the same to you
And I can't regret what I did for love, what I did for love

Look my eyes are dry
The gift was ours to borrow
It's as if we always knew
But I won't forget what I did for love, what I did for love

Gone, love is never gone
And we carry on, love's what we'll remember

Kiss the day goodbye
And point me t'ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won't regret, can't forget what I did for love

What I did for love
What I did for love

Succumbing to the darkness 12102008c

Why do I feel hollow? Inadequate? Used? Not wanted? Even though I try to separate myself from everyone else by not caring about these things, in my darkest hour they become items of salvation. As much as I tell myself that I don't need anyone to want me, I really really do want someone in my corner.

In the past, at times like these I have filled myself in the flesh of those who were out for the moment. I like to think my experience and training with the number of them made me like them, only seeking the pleasures of the moment. But with accursed applications I see their faces, smell their bodies, feel the pain (not pleasure) of those moments. Knowing that no matter how intimate we got or the words whispered, uttered or moaned, knowing that it was all for the moment. Our conversations are usually void of true essence. Often a recollection of the past and planning for another rendezvous.

My greatest fear is that my past with these egomaniacal spectres will harm any potential I could have with someone. Will he be able to look past all that and start fresh anew with me? I just want to be wanted, hard body right now but can be reverted to low key later......

Never 12102008b

Would have never thought I would be in this position where I can't completely articulate what I want or how I feel. I don't know what the deal is at the moment but it has me in a type of paralysis.

SNL 12102008a

Just something I found extremely funny!!!

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

12102008

I can't think of a decent title for this post because I feel that what ever I would choose to name this would limit my writing. This is not dedicated to anyone or any particular thing, just my written (typed) expression of my emotions that have been in collusion with me for a while. I know that at the moment things can not be as I would like, because if they were 'He' would not be in the equation. If 'He' was not in the equation, then maybe you would be free to breathe me. If 'He' was not in the picture, I am damn sure you would not have to decide whether to chase pavements. If 'He' was not in the situation, I would have made my vocal proclamation that my feelings for you run deep. If 'He' was nowhere to be found in the pages when they write about your life, I would be there writing our great story.

These feelings, ones that have not been felt in sometime, have given me hope for the future. They give me an escape from the my reality and allow my heart to be synchronized with my brain on in the realm of intimate relationships. I have been hurt by one with whom I shared the same feelings. That pain and anguish was assuaged when I realized that there is hope for me and I melted and fantasied about me and you, making a commitment. This whisper from the deep recesses of my consciousness took root as I slept next to 'Him' all I could think about was you. About what I would give to have you instead of 'Him' at the moment. I thought about how splendid it would be if it was you that gently tapped me to awake me instead of 'Him'.

But I know my place and I have my pillars that prevent me from making the moves that my heart wants.

Producing results 12092008

Through my experience in different leadership roles and culminating as producer of the awards show earlier this year, I have seen that I am willing to do whatever it takes to get the results that are desired or what is best for the group. I know this comes as cliche, but I have a group of people willing to back me up on this one. When I needed to get registered for class, I gathered $1500 in 24 hrs. When there is work to be done around the set, I am there to make sure things get done. It is my firm belief that as a producer, one is responsible for making sure all loose ends are tied, all 'i's dotted and t's crossed. In the event that something goes astray, the producer is then called upon to put things back together. So they are also afforded the burden of knowing how things work or at least knowing someone in close contact that can get it done. I have risen to the occasion and will continue to do so without hesitation.

Availabity of sense 12072008b

So through a conversation with a friend, we have come to an agreement that people fail to see the forest for the trees. They lack the deductive reasoning skills that would make them aware of the wrong assumptions they make everyday. If you have a friend that you have known for a couple of years and this friend never says anything about having a significant other or even a proverbial 'bust it baby', you could be right in making one of two assumptions. Then out the blue, this friend starts hanging heavily with a member of the opposite sex, at once you feel relieved because your friend is like you. You can poke fun at them about this new romance and even make lewd jokes, its all in jest right. But if you took a moment, looked back at the years spent together. found the different trunks, felled leaves, and branches, maybe then you would see that maybe your friend is a little different from you.

Little info 12072008a

So I look back over my posts and realize that I have not formally introduced myself. I do not believe that I can sit here and write my life story. One, I do not want to and two, I do not think that you would really read or care to read. So here's a bit about me, I LOVE JAPAN!!



As of this past Thursday, I have completed 4 semesters of Nihongo (Japanese Language). And as demonstrated by my oral interview, I am functional in speaking it, but better at writing. My favorite part is learning the expansive Kanji system.



I am so enamored by the culture and art. My favorite form comes in the two dominant types of animation, anime and magna. The stories and worlds created always whisk me off to their world, placing me with the fantasy powers that the characters possess. I actually named this site after a concept in one of them, Naruto.



And of course what kind of guy would I be if I wasn't also interested in video games. I wholeheartedly believe that some of the best come from and are based on different Japanese intellectual properties.



So there you have it, a little about me...just a snippet of me.

Stretching into infinity 12072008

We should file this one under courting and public relations. What is with people boasting themselves up to appeal to someone else? I just had a dude 'prove' that he could also write eloquently and make profound statements with his words. Mind you that this came unprovoked which makes it even more appealing. I really don't understand the need to be something that you are not. If people can't handle or take you as you are, why should you even care what they think? I know in some cases you have to play a certain role to get maneuver your way around certain situations, but I highly doubt that this should be the case when you are trying to win someone's affection or attention. At least not with me. If I like you, it will be known and you wouldn't need to worry about doing something new for me. Better yourself for you, not me.

Spirituality 12022008

I have never been one to zealously testify to the many blessings I receive. My initial growth in the Catholic church can be found as the source for this. But as I have grown and come into contact with many different people, all varying in their zeal for God, I have seen that is selfish not to give testimonies from time to time. No matter how religious you say you are or are not (my case), things happen and God moves in such a way that a shout or testimony is needed. What you tell someone else could help them through their trial; such has been the case for me, on the receiving side. I am just glad that he works in such a powerful way that I can make it through anything task he sets in front of me, even though I do not give him my all.

In setting out on this journey to change and bring the inner me out, I must remember that is through his traveling mercies that I am afforded the opportunity to even think about taking this journey. May I remember this as I face obstacles that will test me.

Crisis of Identity 11302008

During our socialization and growth as people, we are bombarded with images, scenes, and other materials that we hope help us find out who we truly are. Some people find it easy to get in their molds and take their place in the pecking order that truly becomes apparent in high school. The movie Mean Girls did a great job of highlighting the different but 'traditional' cliques we fall into at the time. Although the names were greatly exaggerated, maybe even offensive to a degree, the attributes, from which we derive many our collected stereotypes, are mostly true. Many adolescents, and even some young adults, struggle with their identity. They often question their role in groups and how their acceptance into a group will further their popularity.

For a while I have been thinking about my identity. Questioning if I placed myself here because I felt it was right or if it was something I have been 'trained and taught' to do. Looking back on childhood experiences and questions I had back then, I know that where I am now is not where I should be. So this is my first step in my journey to truly get a hold of who I am. Breaking free from the shackles that I gained through my socialization as a black man. It feels liberating, very very liberating, but I know that the upcoming debacles will truly test me and the relationships I share with others. But it shall go down that through this journey my morals and sense of character shall remain intact. My purpose for this journey is to help my outwardly appearance reflect my inner thoughts. I'm bringing the inner me out.

How come you don't call/send me a message 11292008

In my matriculation through higher education as a communication student I have learned one fundamental principle about communication, albeit verbal or nonverbal, it is transactional. No matter the means, it takes two parties to communicate and they both have equal roles in seeking the other out, taking turns listening/talking, and providing feedback. So it always confounds me when a person that I don't usually talk to or haven't talked to in a while asks, 'why don't you (insert whatever means that is available) me?' or what's even worse, 'you couldn't even speak?' If I wanted to talk to you, in whatever capacity, I am fully aware of how to contact you. The better question to the situation is, why haven't you picked up that hint that I just may not want to talk to you? I am a man of subtlety, taking notice of all intricate details that surround any given situation. I will not boisterously announce my intentions to those that I have no interest in. I know that it may come across as shrewd, but I find beauty more in actions than in words.

If answers are short, direct and you can not evoke any emotion through initial conversation, then there is no true reason to even exchange contact info. This is not a job or corporate setting, if you are in the preliminary stages of courting another, persistence can easily be made out to be annoyed with me, so take the hint.

I don't even know...11242008

Certain situations and people arouse different emotions in me. I am far from bipolar, but sometimes things happen or I observe things, that I then internalize. Through this process I am sometimes taken away from a somewhat copasetic mood and thrown into a depressed and unmotivated shell of myself. Coupled with well covered feelings of lonliness and discontent, I am imprisoned in this shell for God knows how long. I don't know how long my sentence is because in the past I have been rewarded with parole when I have found something that reignites the fire that has been extinguished.

Leaving Konohagakure 11192008

Since I became acquainted with the lore and story of Naruto, I always questioned why Sauske chose to sever the bond he made with his squad and more importantly why he fought Naruto at full strength to get away. The bond that they shared was tempermental and that of one shared by respectable rivals, almost like brothers. Through various missions thier respect for each other grew, but when Sauske saw how much Naruto had developed over a short span of training, he knew that he had to set out to become more a more powerful ninja. He had to break the bond that they formed. It is through recent experiences that I understand his rationale, sometimes it is just easier to sever ties than to watch someone close surpass you in all ways. I have always admired the road less traveled, or the more controversial one and it seems that I have stand at the proverbial crossroads. The same one Sauske faced, but it is up to me if I shall follow in his footsteps.

Enlightenment through consummation 11182008

Adrenaline racing through my body making long pit stops in my extremities, making it possible for me to think clearly. I saw my Shangri-La off in the distance as I cleaned up. The act of this empty consummation may actually lead me to something big. It may have been the sex, or maybe the euphoria reached during the occasion, but I now feel like I can make moves to proclaim my happiness. Part of that comes from shedding this facade and truly living for me. Something great is on the horizon. I see it, I am reaching for it, but I also feel something restraining me. Holding me back and telling me to stay where I am. Telling me that the grass is no type of green over there. And to this oppressing force, this almost malevolent entity that seems fed up with me wandering too far off from the path that has been dictated and followed by so many before me, I ask, of what importance is the color of the grass if it serves the same purpose to be beautiful?

Breathe Me 11172008b

'Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame'

These words were spoken to me through the medium of a video game trailer and in my approaching melancholy mood, I researched the song and found that it was so good. If I could dance, this would be the perfect song to perform a lyrical dance. I have hurt myself, but it wasn't just today. It has been a chronic disorder where I find hurt myself by trying to heal myself. Senseless conquest, pouring my emotional self into people, and running off into the distance to escape responsibilities.

'Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me'

When will I have this friend? I have been walking around this track for 2 years now, two long years of being alone but maintaining the facade that everything is fine. And just when I thought I had something different, it turned out to be more of the same. For once could someone breathe me?

Post Pre Post 11172008a

As promised here's my post that inspired me to do this:

Knowing not of the audience, I write 11112008

I know not the reader of this and I don't want to be classified as any type of poet because it would be a disgrace to their passion and livelihood. But I do think that everyone has the power to produce something poetic from some non-specific event, situation, anomaly, or phenomenon. Mine came tonight, amidst the many thoughts that raped my brain about things that I dare not speak about here. Seeking out my faithful consort, I found a bit of relief and hope in the lyrics of Madonna's 'Justify My Love' and 'Human Nature'

'Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another'

'Express yourself don't repress yourself'

She uses a the same tone in both songs that runs parallel to subconscious. To my subconscious. The one that I have been afraid to shine light on. The inner voice that I have been quieting for a time that seems to be an eternity. If that is too long a period, I will settle for a majority of my life. From the time I have followed, conformed, and submitted to the time that I was made aware of the many social and media constructs that put me in that situation, to now. I have been repressing and hiding it for so long. I think that it is time I listened to this omnipresent force that has been speaking to me for so long.

Arg, I told myself that I would never do one of these 11172008

Ok, so first shout out goes to my friend M for blessing me with such a wonderful name. On to other things. I move to table a formal introduction until later. I'll just give you the skinny on why I chose to post here. A recent acquaintance told me that I have a way with words and should use my gifts to write a little more. I didn't believe said person until I looked over some of my personal written material (which will be shared at a later date), so I gave in and am making an effort to do something to new. So here goes....

It sems that as of late I am going through some trails and tribulations that will hopefully produce a better me. I am learning more and more about myself and about those around me. Some of these revelations upset me, other ones set me at ease. But the bulk of the problem now is that there is just too much going on at once. I can't even think about where to point my anger or joy right now. If I was so bestowed with the power, I would take control of all things chronological and stop time to rest, reflect and meditate on these current events. Oh, woe is me....