Why do I feel hollow? Inadequate? Used? Not wanted? Even though I try to separate myself from everyone else by not caring about these things, in my darkest hour they become items of salvation. As much as I tell myself that I don't need anyone to want me, I really really do want someone in my corner.
In the past, at times like these I have filled myself in the flesh of those who were out for the moment. I like to think my experience and training with the number of them made me like them, only seeking the pleasures of the moment. But with accursed applications I see their faces, smell their bodies, feel the pain (not pleasure) of those moments. Knowing that no matter how intimate we got or the words whispered, uttered or moaned, knowing that it was all for the moment. Our conversations are usually void of true essence. Often a recollection of the past and planning for another rendezvous.
My greatest fear is that my past with these egomaniacal spectres will harm any potential I could have with someone. Will he be able to look past all that and start fresh anew with me? I just want to be wanted, hard body right now but can be reverted to low key later......
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