How I'm feeling now...

The last 24 hours have been rough on me mentally. I came home last night just wanting to spark up, and I don't even smoke! Today was no different. I felt so defeated and really just want to escape. But then I had an epiphany, I am in good help, I'm a good man, I have a number of things working out for me while others have nothing. I need to take pride in that so I can work on bettering myself and getting out of this rut.

Coming out to my parents

This was posted on my Tumblr shortly after coming out to my parents.

Today was the day I set aside in my mind to come out to my mom. I tried to schedule a dinner date with her earlier this week but, being the busy person that she is, she was unavailable. I had given up the hope and pushed it to sometime next week. But God sure does have a funny way of lining up events.

I woke up this morning to a missed call from my mom. I didn’t call her back until I was waiting at the bus stop to be 30 min early for work. She was inviting me out to my cousin’s 40th birthday dinner and of course, being the fat ass that I am, I gladly accepted. I rushed back to the house to put together and outfit and shave which made me a few min late for work.

Throughout the entire shift my mind was racing. Trying to find the best way to come out. The best way to share my story and have some ammunition should she retaliate. The mind racing went on all day, even through the night. At the party I sat silently reading messages from a few of my followers about their experiences. Trying to draw some strength from them.

It was a game of double dutch on the way home. I sat in the back mostly in silence trying to find the right way to go about this. First there was some talk about the party, then silence. Then there was talk about what kind of car I should be driving, then silence. Then it was about my mom’s friends. It started off with her drinking friend then went into her lesbian friend, Terry. She revealed that she had been to a gay club before but left when her friend offered my parents acid. She made note that it was the best house and techno music though. As we approached our exit she made a remark about Aqua, which happens to have gay night on Fridays.

It wasn’t until we were a few blocks away from my house that I saw my opportunity to jump in. I grabbed my balls, swallowed my fears and inhibitions and gave this jumbled dissertation:

A few weeks ago I went on this retreat to McHenry, MD. You’ve heard of it, right? Yea, I learned a lot. A wealth of information about myself, about others and I felt like I was close to finding my personal truth. I needed that trip to help ground me and it really empowered me more than I thought it would.

The organization that sponsored the retreat is a non-profit organization. Actually, of the twelve programs funded by the CDC in the area…

BigD: The CDC, like the…

Me: Yes, Center for Disease Control.

BigD: Yea, you don’t have a disease or something.

Me: No, thankfully no. But its the only one that operates exclusively for black gay men. I had to meditate on this while I was up there and have been meditating on it for some years now. I mean, I can go back to day care. We were driving home in the Mitsubishi Eclipse and I asked you, ‘Why is blue for boys and pink for girls?’. I don’t really remember your answer but I do know that it was along the lines of ‘It just is’ and that wasn’t enough for me. I also remember when I attended St. Francis, I always used to wonder why girls could wear skits and pants but boys couldn’t wear skirts. There were always questions about gender conformity that I had but was too scared to ask. It wasn’t until I took that class at Howard that I learned a bit more about the subject. I found that there are people out there with similar questions and experiences. And I just feel like my personal truth will lead me somewhere that I will have to share my story and experience but I can only do that by taking this big step and coming out. I just have to do this so…*trails off to incoherent ramblings in hopes of some response*

BigD:Well, you have to be true to yourself Lawrence. If you don’t you’ll just be miserable, you have to be true to yourself. I love you no matter what.

Me: I just want to thank you and Jose for laying the foundation for me to be a man. You guys really helped me out and your guidance has kept me away from danger even when I wanted to run towards it.

I’m still feeling the euphoria of opening up to my parents. I don’t really know where this will lead me but I know that I can better reach my potential now that I my parents know that I’m gay.

WHEW!!

Hey guys

I know you guys are about sick and tired of me discussing my thoughts with this blog. Well, I've made a decision, I am going to come back to regularly updating this blog. Tumblr was fun, but my gripes with it really prevent me from expressing myself there. Great site to share your likes with everyone, but a hard place to try to reach an audience. Even harder to get some feedback on a post where you show your soul.

But yea, I'm coming back here. Don't know how often I will be able to update but I'm going to make a conscious effort to do it once a week. It will be as it has always been, a repository for my unfiltered thoughts about anything that crosses this mind of mind. Stay tuned guys, we're going into the second phase of things...I think.