Crisis of Identity 11302008

During our socialization and growth as people, we are bombarded with images, scenes, and other materials that we hope help us find out who we truly are. Some people find it easy to get in their molds and take their place in the pecking order that truly becomes apparent in high school. The movie Mean Girls did a great job of highlighting the different but 'traditional' cliques we fall into at the time. Although the names were greatly exaggerated, maybe even offensive to a degree, the attributes, from which we derive many our collected stereotypes, are mostly true. Many adolescents, and even some young adults, struggle with their identity. They often question their role in groups and how their acceptance into a group will further their popularity.

For a while I have been thinking about my identity. Questioning if I placed myself here because I felt it was right or if it was something I have been 'trained and taught' to do. Looking back on childhood experiences and questions I had back then, I know that where I am now is not where I should be. So this is my first step in my journey to truly get a hold of who I am. Breaking free from the shackles that I gained through my socialization as a black man. It feels liberating, very very liberating, but I know that the upcoming debacles will truly test me and the relationships I share with others. But it shall go down that through this journey my morals and sense of character shall remain intact. My purpose for this journey is to help my outwardly appearance reflect my inner thoughts. I'm bringing the inner me out.

How come you don't call/send me a message 11292008

In my matriculation through higher education as a communication student I have learned one fundamental principle about communication, albeit verbal or nonverbal, it is transactional. No matter the means, it takes two parties to communicate and they both have equal roles in seeking the other out, taking turns listening/talking, and providing feedback. So it always confounds me when a person that I don't usually talk to or haven't talked to in a while asks, 'why don't you (insert whatever means that is available) me?' or what's even worse, 'you couldn't even speak?' If I wanted to talk to you, in whatever capacity, I am fully aware of how to contact you. The better question to the situation is, why haven't you picked up that hint that I just may not want to talk to you? I am a man of subtlety, taking notice of all intricate details that surround any given situation. I will not boisterously announce my intentions to those that I have no interest in. I know that it may come across as shrewd, but I find beauty more in actions than in words.

If answers are short, direct and you can not evoke any emotion through initial conversation, then there is no true reason to even exchange contact info. This is not a job or corporate setting, if you are in the preliminary stages of courting another, persistence can easily be made out to be annoyed with me, so take the hint.

I don't even know...11242008

Certain situations and people arouse different emotions in me. I am far from bipolar, but sometimes things happen or I observe things, that I then internalize. Through this process I am sometimes taken away from a somewhat copasetic mood and thrown into a depressed and unmotivated shell of myself. Coupled with well covered feelings of lonliness and discontent, I am imprisoned in this shell for God knows how long. I don't know how long my sentence is because in the past I have been rewarded with parole when I have found something that reignites the fire that has been extinguished.

Leaving Konohagakure 11192008

Since I became acquainted with the lore and story of Naruto, I always questioned why Sauske chose to sever the bond he made with his squad and more importantly why he fought Naruto at full strength to get away. The bond that they shared was tempermental and that of one shared by respectable rivals, almost like brothers. Through various missions thier respect for each other grew, but when Sauske saw how much Naruto had developed over a short span of training, he knew that he had to set out to become more a more powerful ninja. He had to break the bond that they formed. It is through recent experiences that I understand his rationale, sometimes it is just easier to sever ties than to watch someone close surpass you in all ways. I have always admired the road less traveled, or the more controversial one and it seems that I have stand at the proverbial crossroads. The same one Sauske faced, but it is up to me if I shall follow in his footsteps.

Enlightenment through consummation 11182008

Adrenaline racing through my body making long pit stops in my extremities, making it possible for me to think clearly. I saw my Shangri-La off in the distance as I cleaned up. The act of this empty consummation may actually lead me to something big. It may have been the sex, or maybe the euphoria reached during the occasion, but I now feel like I can make moves to proclaim my happiness. Part of that comes from shedding this facade and truly living for me. Something great is on the horizon. I see it, I am reaching for it, but I also feel something restraining me. Holding me back and telling me to stay where I am. Telling me that the grass is no type of green over there. And to this oppressing force, this almost malevolent entity that seems fed up with me wandering too far off from the path that has been dictated and followed by so many before me, I ask, of what importance is the color of the grass if it serves the same purpose to be beautiful?

Breathe Me 11172008b

'Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame'

These words were spoken to me through the medium of a video game trailer and in my approaching melancholy mood, I researched the song and found that it was so good. If I could dance, this would be the perfect song to perform a lyrical dance. I have hurt myself, but it wasn't just today. It has been a chronic disorder where I find hurt myself by trying to heal myself. Senseless conquest, pouring my emotional self into people, and running off into the distance to escape responsibilities.

'Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me'

When will I have this friend? I have been walking around this track for 2 years now, two long years of being alone but maintaining the facade that everything is fine. And just when I thought I had something different, it turned out to be more of the same. For once could someone breathe me?

Post Pre Post 11172008a

As promised here's my post that inspired me to do this:

Knowing not of the audience, I write 11112008

I know not the reader of this and I don't want to be classified as any type of poet because it would be a disgrace to their passion and livelihood. But I do think that everyone has the power to produce something poetic from some non-specific event, situation, anomaly, or phenomenon. Mine came tonight, amidst the many thoughts that raped my brain about things that I dare not speak about here. Seeking out my faithful consort, I found a bit of relief and hope in the lyrics of Madonna's 'Justify My Love' and 'Human Nature'

'Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another'

'Express yourself don't repress yourself'

She uses a the same tone in both songs that runs parallel to subconscious. To my subconscious. The one that I have been afraid to shine light on. The inner voice that I have been quieting for a time that seems to be an eternity. If that is too long a period, I will settle for a majority of my life. From the time I have followed, conformed, and submitted to the time that I was made aware of the many social and media constructs that put me in that situation, to now. I have been repressing and hiding it for so long. I think that it is time I listened to this omnipresent force that has been speaking to me for so long.

Arg, I told myself that I would never do one of these 11172008

Ok, so first shout out goes to my friend M for blessing me with such a wonderful name. On to other things. I move to table a formal introduction until later. I'll just give you the skinny on why I chose to post here. A recent acquaintance told me that I have a way with words and should use my gifts to write a little more. I didn't believe said person until I looked over some of my personal written material (which will be shared at a later date), so I gave in and am making an effort to do something to new. So here goes....

It sems that as of late I am going through some trails and tribulations that will hopefully produce a better me. I am learning more and more about myself and about those around me. Some of these revelations upset me, other ones set me at ease. But the bulk of the problem now is that there is just too much going on at once. I can't even think about where to point my anger or joy right now. If I was so bestowed with the power, I would take control of all things chronological and stop time to rest, reflect and meditate on these current events. Oh, woe is me....